These days are just not the same as the others--although I wish they were. I wish everyday is like one sunny afternoon at the beach--no disappointments, no pains,no insecurities. I want to stare blankly at the sea and be blinded by the rays of the sun until I could no longer open my eyes. I want to let my eyes close for a long time and just feel the wind and hear the sound of the birds and the sea. I want to lay in the sand and fall asleep without caring for the world all for anything else but myself. I want time, space, a special place just for myself.  For a day, even for just a day--I want to be free from every responsibility, from guilt, from worries. I want to think solely about myself and my happiness without feeling guilty--then I can come back to them and to the world.

Almost, 1, 164 steps back and forth and more than 15 people of all ages, my feet hitting the ground in every second--It was a familiar feeling where I can smell the grass, can feel the wind and touch the soild.  It was the best way to empty my mind. Although at that moment it wasn't really empty, although I wish it was.

How I wish it was empty so I can atleast rest even for a moment. I wish I could forget everything that happened in the last 72 hours. But I can only wish that the wind hitting my face can blow away everything that's been disturbing my mind. I wish I can just land in that pavement, hit myself hard to numb my senses.

At that moment I wanted to leave but not to die. I wanted to leave to be reborn again. i wanted to leave and come back fresh and happy to face the world again. How can life be like this? How can it make you believe in hope and trust in people? How can it still make you believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel? How can you remain holding on when there's just no sensible reason to stay. How can you feel brave inside but still feel deafeated in the eyes of the world. How can I remain fighting when battle seemed to be all over?

When will this tiresome journey end? When will I reach the end of the tunnel? I wanna feel the light, hug the light and be the light. When will it finally happen?

It was me at a lost, it was me disappointed, it was me defeated by this recent battle i thought I would win. i thought I stand a chance. I thought the happy song had finally begun. Well---I thought wrong.

I have never doubted that I am strong and brave and reasonable--but do not tell me not to be disheartened, do not tell me not to be crashed.  Because I am. D@mn I am!!! What I feel and what i think at the moment are the things you cannot control, the things you cannot dictate. Do not tell not to be me, at the moment I really had to be. You said everything with simplicity--like it is just some random thought that came up.  I've always thought that this is an act of bravery, please don't make me think that it as just plain and simple stupidity.

Why do we stay in a job that can never make us happy?

Why did we choose to stay here when everyday all we really wanted is to be free and get away from here?

Are we expecting that somehow, someday, someone will finally recognize us?

Aren't we tired of trying? Aren't we tired of waiting?

Aren't we tired of expecting something that will never come?

Maybe we are but somewhere in the process of giving up and holding on we still chose the latter.

Because we don’t want to see ourselves being rejected or losing in the game

Because somehow, letting everything go and leaving all these things behind would make us feel like we didn't try hard enough even though we already did

Because we are hard on ourselves and in the end the only one we make can blame is ourselves, and the only one we can doubt is ourselves

I am tired.

We are tired.

But why are we still here?

How often does one have to try to convince others that she had tried hard enough?

And How often does one have to wait to finally capture her heart's desire?

Does it take a year or two? Or does it take a century?

Will it come if I kneel down on You? Or will it remain as a desperate cry?

The heart is a traitor but so is the mind

You want to give up but somehow you can’t seem to find a way how.

I could never be more proud of what you feel right now. Although it is hard, you did what you had to do and I know in the end there's nothing but winning in this game.

We always talk about our hung ups and the pain of staying in a job that never made us happy from the start. We always talk about how hessistant we are to leave a job that pays the bills but never justifies our minds. We were trapped, and trapped for different reasons.

I am happy that you have found the freedom that I have longed for from the very first day I stepped into this unknown world. I am happy that the change we needed to start our lives all over again has finally happened to you. 

You said that this is your moment of courage and this is the freedom and happiness you have longed for all this time.  I am proud of you.

Mine is here...I have learned that staying is not weakness...and enduring is also courage. What I do doesn't define me but the other way around.  Like I said we are trapped for different reasons, maybe that's why we also seek for freedom in different ways.

I would like to see you smile like the way you smiled that day. You deserve that kind of happiness and that kind of relief.

Let's visit the bookstores that we love.  I know we won't always bring a book with us when we go out just like what you said but I know we will always bring something far more important--memories and wisdom.

where do you go when  you're tired and lonely.
When dark clouds follow you.
when you're running out of places to hide.
when leaving means taking away their lives.

It's the feeling when Holidays have ended. It's the sudden change from festive to another busy Monday morning when everyone miss their breakfast and rush to get to the train. It's when people are sad because they have to face yet another day in order to survive.  It's when you need to feed the body and mind but the heart and soul won't accept.  It's just like the other days that comprise most of your life but not really worth living for.  

The Holiday is over and it almost feels like it's never gonna come again.

do people really get this abnormal whenever they come accross it.
do moments of happiness flash back every second?
i don't know which is more a sign of abnormality
--me acting this way or this "thing" I am imagining.
Maybe it was the lack of sleep, food,caffeine and life.
THat all of a sudden I can feel life right there when you were close.
This must be an act of desperation or totally just an insane imagination!

god,this is crazy! my hopes are funny!
This is crazy!

maybe there are just times when we are not contented with just believing and convincing ourselves.

maybe sometimes waiting tires us out and leaves us doubting for the future.

maybe there's a point in our lives when we need something real and certain that we can hold in our hands in order to convince us to  go on with life and to keep on believing that it is indeed worthy to wait.